What is my purpose here?
When I arrived, my original goals were:
·
To open myself to experiences (individuals and
communities) by listening, observing, and asking questions.
·
To learn, study, and practice Spanish in order
to hold fluid conversations and develop deep relationships.
Of course, I will continue to strive toward these goals but
the productive person in me is looking for objectives and benchmarks. What is my role? What am I doing? I understand that there is profound grace in
the above goals but I also know that I have much to share.
At this point, I am impatient with my Spanish ability. I do see improvements each day but I’m also
very aware of my inability to understand all.
I am conscious of the patience others hold while communicating with
me. People give me the time I need to
stumble through words (or maybe just sounds and actions) in order to express
myself. I yearn to dive in, to do something substantial, to share
myself.
I grow especially frustrated when I’m fascinated in or
curious about the topic or speaker. My
yoga class is already developing a sense of community and I’m thankful for each
individual but when we talk before and after class, I know that I miss parts of
conversations. Sometimes the
conversations are on health, sometimes spirituality, always from the
individual’s life experience. I’m
extremely interested and would love to understand more fully what they are
sharing. Before facilitating a group
focused on discussion (one of the hopes for my future here), I need more time
to develop my language ability. I pray
for patience.
I have hope and see improvement. Last Sunday, I facilitated a prayer group for
the volunteers, Sister Peggy, and three Salvadorian teachers who host
volunteers. Throughout our hour
together, we shared in Spanish. I love moments
of grace that shine through the language obstacle. I understood the prayers offered and felt the
blessed space. Moments like these feed
my excitement for this new place and the opportunities to come.
I’m striving to develop my Spanish skills to develop such
environments, to share in graceful moments, and to learn from the Salvadorians. At the moment, I do what I can.
My goals are vast, immeasurable, and almost indefinable. I’m more comfortable with objectives and
knowing when I’ve met those objectives.
For now, maybe there is more growth in this discomfort than pushing
forward to reach an objective and to do.
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