Doubting and Belonging

One night, the week before I left for El Salvador, I could not sleep.  I began to doubt my decision.  I stared at the dark, slanted ceiling and entertained petrifying thoughts about what could happen during my time abroad and what my life here could, in the most terrifying way, become.  The thoughts snowballed into grandiose images. 

Like all mature, sophisticated, confidant adults, I walked into Mom and Dad’s house and woke mom.  We talked.  We cried.  She offered perfect guidance.  The next morning, I rouse just as excited as I had been all along. 

I don’t know why my heart started beating so fast or why my mind drifted into such a cave during those hours but I’m thankful I was able to approach the journey from a fresh point of view the next morning.  Worries and negative thoughts are paralyzing.  My time down here so far has been a dream.  I wake each morning anticipating another awe-inspiring day.  Today, I was laughing at those horrible thoughts!

While reading The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey by Henri J.M. Nouwen, I came across a quote that Nouwen’s Spiritual Director (Pere Thomas) shared with him.

“The heart is before and beyond the distinctions between sorrow and joy, anger and lust, fear and love.  It is the place where all is one in God, the place where we truly belong, the place from which we come and to which we always yearn to return (p. 49).”

True that.  For me, paralyzing thoughts emerge from my shallow space, a space where I’m disconnected from my true self and my authentic relationship with God and the world.  When I run, journal, practice yoga, and converse with my friends, I remember the place from which I come and the place to which I yearn to return.  I wish all humans could feel this true sense of belonging.  I belong, no matter where I live, as long as my heart motivates my thoughts and interactions.





This is one of the meditation spaces that I enjoy in the mornings at Sister Peggy's house.  Beautiful huh?  Love it?